The first month of unemployment is nearly gone. Yesterday I had to send in my benefit card for July. Monday I applied for two jobs, one which I’m qualified for and really keen on. The other job I just applied for since I have to apply for two jobs a week.
Somehow I feel a bit like a fraud, I apply for a job I’m neither qualified for, nor interested in, just because I have to. The employers gets tons of applications for jobs, which they know are not applied for wholeheartedly. A very strange setup and not at all resourceful for anybody.
I suffer from lack of motivation at the moment. I’m two applications behind for this month, and I know next week, the week after (and so on) will be the same.
That stresses me deeply…
The sun is pouring down, but who can enjoy it, when you have to sit in front of the laptop most of the day…
Hopefully things will look brighter in August.
After 7 months at home, I’m really close to becoming a recluse. I find it harder and harder to see people in public, participate in events and just buying groceries around rush hour. I feel like I have a big mark on my forehead saying LOSER. The shame still hunts me, so does the humiliation and the mounting… but why do I feel this way when it wasn’t my fault? I used to be quite carefree and positive, now I’m one big crisis.
Only thing that keeps me going are my family and the daily routines. I still get up early, make breakfast, wash the clothes, make lunch, make dinner and look for jobs.
The mourning is maybe the worst, I am in deep sorrow of losing my platform, my network and a great part of my life.
Being in a crisis is interesting. You change personality, you become more introvert, get depressed and cannot see anything positive in life. However, a crisis is a natural thing, that we all go thought eventually. What doesn’t kill you… and all that crap. But it is a part of life. I still wonder why losing my job struck me so hard, I never thought it would. I’m the back on the horse type, always focusing on the next possibility, the next aim, the next goal, leaving the defeat behind as a lessons learned.
The insight you get on yourself from a crisis, is however useful for future crises, both ones own and in helping others handle theirs.
So I must (and will) get through this time also, the healing takes time and the bloody horse is still missing…
But my garden looks absolutely fabulous this year while I’m looking for the horse… ?